The Writers Hunters

The Write Agenda

I’d never heard about these folks until this afternoon (CET) when a dear friend forwarded the link: http://thewriteagenda.wordpress.com/ I presumed it was a writer’s haunt, you know what I mean; a place to meet other writers and talk (write) shop. So I followed the link and discovered a bizarre site chock-a-block with lawsuits, propaganda alerts, watch lists, boycott lists, implied threats, and a strange obsession with Victoria Strauss laced with lapidary remarks. The overall sophistic tone of the homepage brought to mind the diatribes I endured as a child from Mrs. Gutierrez, during her frequent bouts of acute constipation.

I don’t know Mrs. Strauss; cross my heart. I’ve never exchanged a single word with her, but I’ve read a few of her articles. She impressed me as a levelheaded, knowledgeable and honest lady. Yes, I know it’s one of my weaknesses but I love señoras with class, in particular if they have balls and don’t give a fuck about dropping “F bombs” (I’ve always hated euphemisms).

But wait, then I spotted on their homepage this line:

“Recent Posts” this reference: Author, Rita Webb – Cease & Desist Issued (08.26.11).

I don’t know Victoria, but I know Rita. Besides being an excellent writer, Rita is a friend, a colleague, and a wonderful person (I must be careful in my choice of adjectives because her husband once threatened to geld me if I didn’t watch my step). After several years and hundreds of exchanges with Rita, I’ve never spotted one word out of order. Even when she read and reviewed my dribble, Rita always measured her comments with exquisite property (unlike her husband who always went for the jugular).

So, I told myself: Carlos, Rita has been naughty and she’s in deep shit (The “Cease & Desist” thing had me quaking in my boots and had to reach for a drop of exquisite 16-year Lagavaulin), let’s find out what has she been up to.

The post is signed by one Michael Sigvagni. I take it Mike, (can I call you Mike?) that like me you have problems with English. Not your first language? Welcome to the club. Since you’ve signed the piece, I assume you wrote it. If you didn’t, fire whoever did.

I have a problem with your closing warning:

Please be advised that this letter is copyrighted by our organization, and you are not authorized to republish this in any manner. Use of this letter in a posting, in full or part, will subject you to further legal causes of action.

Come on, Mike, how can I comment on your post if I don’t refer to your ghastly prose? Surely it’s fair use to cite its authorship and provenance, naturally without intent. Ohmygod! I’ve used part of your post. Will you sue me? Embargo my chattels? Anything you write is copyrighted, my friend. You don’t need warnings. As a writer, you shouldn’t use bold fonts or majuscules—it’s akin to shouting and reeks of bad manners.

You open the silly post thus:

Rita Webb’s new book “Tears” on the DO NOT BUY & Boycott lists.

Hang on a minute. Do not buy? Why? Is it badly written? Is the storyline iffy? You don’t like the plot? The characterization? The tension? Boycott? Why? Is it a dangerous book? Don’t tell me it’s because you don’t like her? I see. If she doesn’t agree with you, or writes something you don’t like she deserves ostracism? The stocks? The pillory? Say, you don’t happen to know Tomás de Torquemada, do you? Nah, I didn’t think so. Do not buy? Who do you think you are? The Gestapo? Should we burn the books of anyone who doesn’t agree with you?

Next you gift our weary eyes:

NOTICE TO CEASE AND DESIST INTERNET DEFAMATON AGAINST THE WRITE AGENDA(sic)

Mike, Mike, what I’m to do with you? Go stand in the corner and write one hundred times “defamation.”

Then you continue:

Examples of your defamatory statements have been sent to our law firm and include the following:

“I am happy to hear The Write Agenda is under investigation.”

What’s defamatory about that? After what I’ve read, I would also be happy to hear The Write Agenda is under investigation. Is it not? Oh, well, if you carry on with your infantile shenanigans it may be one of these days. I didn’t know you could sue someone for hearing something. Live and learn.

But I love this passage:

Your conduct of spreading libelous and defamatory statements and comments about The Write Agenda have caused serious and irreparable injury to our business and reputation within the publishing and author community.

No conditional here: the damage is permanent. “Irreparable” means irrevocable, irreversible: final. Mike, I don’t see how deleting a post can remedy something that cannot be repaired. Aristotle will be turning in his grave at the inanity of your syllogisms. And, by the way, the subject in your sentence is “conduct.” See what happens when attributes wander all over the place? The verb should be singular: “has caused.” Get back into that corner. And while you’re there write one-hundred times “Internet” with an uppercase initial.

If I were she, I would sue you for having the effrontery of posting Mrs. Webb’s personal e-mail address without consent. Now, that’s illegal. And if you cared for writers, you would defend them to the hilt instead of threatening with fire and brimstone anyone who holds views contrary to yours.

Dear me... what have I done? Am I to be sued? Boycotted? Placed on your “Do not buy” list? Am I to be deported? Flogged? Come on, Mike, be a sport. I don’t know what your gripe with writers is, but leave my friends alone. Fancy a little fencing? (I adore alliteration) after all, I’m just a mongrel writer, a foreigner; little more than a simp in tatters and espadrilles. En garde?

To save you the trouble my full name is Juan Carlos Jiménez Cortés, and I live in Barcelona (climb over the Pyrenees and bear left) and I’m a member of SFWA, and ITW, and OFW, with whom you seem to have scores to settle, and a few others that have so far escaped your tender mercies.